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From Comedy Central: -I was at my parents house, about a month ago. I was watching TV with my dad right. And the gay pride parade was on that weekend (Audience member yells out "Woo".. Well whatever makes you happy). And they had a live feed .. well not like a live feed but they were showing the parade right. And all of a sudden these 3 gay indian guys came on the screen .. I don't mean came on the screen but they appeared, right. And these 3 gay Indian guys are like "Hey, we are Indian and we are Gay !! We represent the gay South-Asian Community" and my Dad looks at me and goes "That is disgusting. Do you know them ?" I'm like why the hell would I know them. "Because they are of the gay and you are in the entertainment business."
- I was at this casino in South Africa and I was playing Black Jack... Ok "African-American" Jack. I'm playing 21 right, and I look at the dealer and it was an African dude. I think they put this guy there just to confuse you when you're gambling. Cause I looked at his name tag and I swear to god, the guys name was spelled (excalamation mark) !-X-O-B-I-L-E. I'm like how the hell do you say that. So I'm not from there, I thought I'd take a shot .. I'm like 'yeah could I get another card there... sobile.. Could I get another card there .. sobile. XOBILE !!! See cause I thought you had to start big you know cause the excalamation mark was at the beginning of the name, right. Like, if it was a question mark, I'd be like Xobile ?? But it was a exclamation so I'm like XOBILE ! And he looks at me and he goes "Please do not yell in the casino". Im not yelling man, I'm just trying to say your name. He goes, "That is not how you say my name." Well, how do you say your name ? I swear to God man, the guy goes, my name is pronounced "*click* bilay". He had a click in his name !!!!!!! The guy's name was !xobile.
From Red, White and Brown:
- "Do you know what it is sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door 'Hey! Start dancing!'"
- (On DDR) The hardest fucking thing I have ever tried in my life. I was one step behind every moment. I was doing so bad the machine even said "Do you even have legs?" It just said that, right in front of the screen. At one point this came up in front of the screen (points his middle finger).
- Just for the record my Arab friends, i dont do any Arab jokes in my act. Its not that i dont think you are funny. It's just .. I dont know, i dont wanna..... die?
- (On Arabs) He'll look as if he's laughing .. but its not the same laugh you're doing. *arab guy accent* Oh i get this funny joke ha ha ha ha i guess its funny *gibberish in arabic* i guess its funny."Dont, dont worry.. i will talk to him after"
- Whenever they show Arabic being spoken on TV, its usually these crazy people in these protests in the Arab world and all of them speaking this really horrish Arabic *arab accent* "Khalikokhu kha.. la la la la la FUCK AMERICA!"
- I had this whole impression in my head that Arabic was such a horrible language coz its always like "*arab accent* khakhli o kha" no wonder their people are so angry, they are vomiting on each other when they talk.
- Basically all they are showing you of the Arab World are the red necks of the Arab World.
- I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans,they fuckin' stupid? He's fucking his cousin! Not like you and me, its different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. Its different. "
- Indians just look upset that they had to spend money to be here, don't they ? Just the look on their face .. "*indian accent* This is bullshit. I dont know why I am spending money to see someone that looks just like me. I can stay home and look in the mirror. FOR FREE !!"
- Indian people, we are proud of our cheapness. You are never gonna insult us by calling us cheap. Thats the best part, you know. You walk up to an Indian guy "You guys are cheap" .. "Thank you for noticing, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you" "That guy just called you cheap" "No, no, no. He pronounced it cheap. But what he was saying was - smart. Very smart he was".
- I will be looking at an Armani shirt or a high end designer and flip the tag and I see made in India, I'm stuck with a real dilemma. I'm like 'Shit, do i buy this shirt or do I call my uncle. I wonder if he knows where this factory is.'
- People go like 'Jews are cheap' *indian accent* No, that is very incorrect, I AM cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIGGGGG difference!
- Lets suppose there is a Louis Vuitton store. The Indian guy will walk past this Louis Vuitton store everyday of his life and will never step foot into it. "*indian accent* not even in their best sale will I be going in there. No thank you". Chinese people, sale or no sale, you are going to Louis Vuitton EVERYDAY. You NEVER buy shit. Sales guy asks you 'Can I help you sir' "*chinese accent* No, just looking". Minute sales guy looks the other way Chinese guy whips out a camera *sound of camera clicking photos* - ka ching, ka ching, ka ch-ch-ch-ching. Goes home, emails the pictures to Hong Kong "Make this bag quickly. We'll sell it to the Indians".
- Thats a sale you never wanna see happening. A Chinese guy selling an Indian guy a Louis Vuitton bag. Neither of them can say Louis Vuitton properly. Hey Mr. Indian guy, you wanna designer bag. Who's this .. who's this guy ? It's a designer bag, his initials are L.V. *I don't know Indian Hand motion* Who's this L.V ? That's uhh designer initial .. then it has a naamee underneath. Looos Vyutton .. Who's Looos Voootn ? Looos Vutoooon, Loooos Vooon. What the f**k are you saying ? I'm reading designer's name Loos Vootin. Why don't you spell what you see. Ok, ok, ok Loos .. Looos is Looos huh ? Absolutely, loos is loos. One hundred fifty thousand percent sure .. Loos is Loos.
- Thats a Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like "all right, give me the best price" "*indian accent* Sir, Im telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it... and go. take it and go."
- "I didnt say, say it all fucked up, I said spell it out. "*indian accent" (really slow)V-UI-(fast)TTON." Thats how we spell letters. We go slow for the first three letters and jog through the rest of the name. We do the same with phone numbers. "212-triple 5-(really fast)3246"
- "Our cheapness changed the world. Indians are so dedicated to being so cheap for so long, that Indian people actually created the number zero. You know how much dedication that took? That means, back in the day some Indian guy was looking at the numeric system. "*indian accent* 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9.. Hmmm.. None of those are the amounts I want to pay". Then his friend came along and drew a circle. "Whats that?" "Nothing" "Whats inside of it?" "Nothing" "Whats its value?" "Nothing... *Sniff* Its beautiful (shedding a tear). We shall call it (jeero)zero. Take it and go"
- When we were flying over to India, I had this overwhelming Indian feeling inside of me - "Im the most Indian man, ever". I just thought I was so Indian you know. We arrived at Bombay I was yelling at the flight attendant "OPEN THE DOORS TO THIS PLANE. Let me out to my Indian people. LET ME SHOW THOSE INDIANS, WHAT IT IS TO BE INDIAN." She opened the doors to that plane I turned Canadian SO FAST."I am SO.. *sniff* *sniff*.." (smelling the surroundings, smelling himself). "Did I step in shit just now?". When you arrive in India, the minute they open the doors to that plane, you get an overwhelming BLAST of shit smell right up your nose. Its almost as if they hired someone to shit in front of every plane that lands. "Quick, quick, here comes one. Shit, shit and go, SHIT and GO.*LOUD FART*.Go, go, go". And if you are an Indian person out there, thinking to yourself "Thats not true, thats not true" then fuck you, you probably had a cold or landed in the wrong country.
- In India, grown ass men, GROWN ASS MEN, hold hands with other men and walk down the street as if everythings ok. And they dont just hold hands, they are holding fucking pinkies and SWINGING that shit.
- People would walk up to me on the streets. "*indian accent* RUSSELL, RUSSELL, RUSSELLLLLLLL. Your show last night, russell your show last night. TOO good.. TOOOOO good. First Class. A1. Fantastic. The show was fantastic. The show was mind blasting"."You mean mind blowing"."No, no anything can blow your mind, it BLASTED my mind"
- (Why he dint stay with his uncle in Kolkotta) Im too North American for my own good. Im too used to certain luxuries in life. You know, like, running water. A toilet. Toilet paper. Theres only so much ass washing I can do with a cup in my life.
- "*indian accent* Mr. Peters, i regret to inform you that the hoooooooooootel." "what?" "the hoooooooooooooootel" "You know theres only one O in hotel" "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOk"
- I get waken up in the middle of the night by a ghost and I wasnt scared anymore because the ghost had an Indian accent. Do you know how hard it is to be afraid when you get woken in the middle of the night by "*indian accent* BOOOOOOOOOOO"
- I bet in Trinidad a guy is taking a shower and writing a fucking song. "oh gosh, i gotta wash my ass. *in a sing song tone* i gotta wash my ass..wash my ass, right cheek, left cheek, in the crease, in the crease, in the crease"
-The media made it unsexy to be hairy.They show you dudes nowdays with no hair. It gets in your head. Now you see a guy running across a beach with no shirt on and no body hair or leg or anywhere at all and women go like "Thats how a man should look like" I think thats how a fucking woman should look like
- Have you ever felt your penis invert before? I had to sit down and pee for a month
- Honestly, the real reason i shave it down there is to make my dick look bigger, thats why. You mow the lawn the art looks bigger.
- God wasnt kind to us in the dick department. Im not sayin he short changed us. He just dint give us any extra shit. God people gave Indians a lot of things, big dicks - not one of them. "*god* Here's whats gonna happen Indians, you are gonna be great with computers" "*indian accent* okeeyyy" "You are gonna be able to survive in the worst conditions imaginable" "okkeyyyyy" "You will be able to leave those conditions, go anywhere in the world and be successful" "*fantastic. hey God, what about penises?" "sorry buddy - AVERAGE". Then he called the black people "Come here for a minute I want to talk to you.Listen, People are gonna be fucking with you for years.Here's a little extra dick. Dont worry, I've taken it from the Indians. The color matches perfectly"
- The media put that in our heads too. They made us insecure about our penises too. You watch a porno nowadays, you see these guys with these giant hogs on them, fucking Chernobyl waste nuclear reactor dicks on them. You watch that and you go "*sad tone* oh my god, im never gonna have a dick like that" You are not SUPPOSED to have a dick like that. Animals should not have dicks like that.
- Ive heard woman talk like that "*african accent* Oh my God i just love a guy with a big dick. I dont know, theres something about a big dick that i just love. I dont even care what he looks like, as long as he has a big dick" Thats because you are a fucking whore, thats why. Your vagina's huge. Instead of giving me a pill to make my dick bigger, heres a cream to tighten you up.
- I have a theory. I believe that the size of your penis is in indirect correlation with how much sex you will have in your life. The smaller your dick, the more you will fuck. You dont believe me, look at the two largest populations in the world.
- Chinese guys starts clapping "*chinese accent* Yayyyy!! hey o wait a minute"
- I want to see the Chinese team in their huddle. You see all the other countries they say "All right guys, we are gonna go down there, we are gonna pass the ball around, we are gonna have a good time, GO TEAM". You see the Chinese team "*chinese accent, player smoking* Ok, Hey asshole, listen up. When you see the ball coming,then you go down the field. Chase the quilo with the ball. Somethings going down. BE A MAN"
- You gotta figure being deaf cant be that bad. Its gotta have a positive side to it. Say you have a girlfriend. No, say you have my ex girlfriend. Shes giving you shit, you dont know. All he sees is (animated movements) and all he thinks is "Shes so beautiful when she dances. So much passion"
- They kicked me out of my school and sent me to the retard school down the street. If you had anything wrong with you, you went to my school. You were on a wheelchair, you went to my school. You were on crutches, you went to my school.You were blind, you went to my school.You were deaf, you were deaf, you had behavior problems, you went to my school.My school had ramps all over the fucking place. It looked like Tony Hawk designed my school.
- Everyone in my school knew one thing. Nobody fucked with the deaf kids because deaf kids are strong as shit. They have the strength of 14 gorillas. One of my friends got into a fight with a deaf kid and the deaf kid beat 37 kinds of shit into my friend. He kept bashing him. I dont know if he couldnt hear the sound of the beating but he went berserk. I dont know if he was lip reading wrong. My friend was like "Stop. OW!" "*deaf kid accent* Stop telling me Fuck Off!"
- Jewish people I dont know what you have done to the deaf community. I dont know if they had land you wanted it.
- Arabs, i dont know the deaf sign for Arabs is. Probably (suicide bomber exploding). "La la la la"
- "*Filipino accent* Then they have the good one, the Basma tai, you know the basma tai, how do you say it? your bumbai, how do you say it? your feeful have come up with the name." "You mean basmati" "Yes yes thats the one. Its very plaborpul (flavorful) and everything"
- Woman are always thinking. Always. Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."
- Guys have the ability to do something that woman cant do. Guys have the ability to sit there for like fifteen minutes, stare off into space and think about nothing. If you were to put a camera in our head to see what we were thinking, it would just be a blank screen. At best, at best, a fucking screen saver.
- About a month into a relationship, a woman will look at you and go "*Woman tone* Promise me something. Promise.... you'll NEVER lie to me" "I promise" And thats the first time we lie to you.
- Women cant handle that shit. She will always come up to you and when you are having your 15 minutes of thoughtless time and always come over "*woman tone* What are you thinking about?" And we tell you what we were thinking about "Nothing". Its messed up when you tell your woman the truth, and thats the wrong answer. "Cmon you had to be thinking about something" "No, i wasnt". Really, they start accusing you. "Why wont you tell me what you were thinking?" " What do you think Im hiding my fucking thoughts? Even if I was, they are my fucking thoughts. If I wanted them to be real, I would have said them." "You always do this shit" "Do what shit?" "Why wont you tell me what you are thinking about? Share with me!!!" And its at that moment we have to make a decision and you force us to lie to you. We have to invent a story right then and there to tell you what we were thinking just so that you dont think we are retarded. "All right, all right. I'll tell you what I was thinking. I was just thinking about how pretty you are"
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Washington Observer Reporter
Access device fraud: Joseph Christopher Moody, 29, of 107 Camp Lane, Peters Township, was arrested Thursday by state police on charges stemming from a Nov. ...
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Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:10:18 GM
February 4th, 2010 at 8:19 am Fukkutah Says: I don't know what happened to . Peters. .. He really used to crack me up .. Now I'm struggling to laugh. I think he's just running out of material .. specially that racial angle he used to ...
Q. Who does anyone think is funnier: Russell Peters, Dave Chappelle, or John McCain during a debate?
Asked by Polydeuces - Tue Mar 3 18:28:19 2009 - - 1 Answers - 0 Comments
A. ttth3z3 nutzz
Answered by Connor=D - Wed Mar 4 10:01:12 2009
